December 18, 2008, The day I saw myself.

There is nothing unusual for this day. The same things happend. The same routines done. The same old story I have everyday for the last 3 weeks or so. Still, I wasn't able to sleep until around 3 in the morning. Oh! I guess my bio-clock just shifts sleeping time on it's own now! I couldn't have myself sleep earlier these days.. Just then, I heard the bells of Sto. Rosario Parish calling the believers to attend the Simbang Gabi Mass. I wanted to but I can't, and I won't. So iIasked GOD to forgive me for not attending mass this dawn. I know He understands why. It's that I can't go to mass crying, could I? No no no, for sure once my tears dried up, I'd sleep in the middle of the priest's homily! That would be worst. So I stayed in bed and listen to the church bells singing hymns for Christmas. What a relieving feeling it is! It warmed my heart, I don't know why. And tears stopped falling. And just then, I got my sleep.

I woke up at around 10 in the morning, feeling renewed. Said a prayer of thanksgiving and opened my Bible, for my daily Proverbs. Then I prepared myself for work, eat light and changed clothes. Suddenly, my phone beeped and I got a message from my cousin, telling me she just knew about my recent break-up with my boyfriend and asked me how I am feeling right now. It took me a long time before I respond to her message, I was out of words and I don't know what to tell her nor about how I feel as of the moment. If there's something I've been avoiding these days is to answer the most stupid question for me: "How do you feel now?" Isn't it obvious?! What should I say then, "Oh, I feel so much great now he is out of my life!" or "Hey, I don't mind it at all!" or "I've totally forgotten anything about him!" I just know I'd be lying to my self if I say so. So I replied simply, "Hi there! So you heard about it too.. Truth is, I'm trying to be ok now, but I just can't make myself feel better." After a few minutes, she sent me this what I call God's message for me for this day.

She said, "Girl, I know exactly how you are feeling now. I've been there too. And it is never easy. It may sound ridiculous now, but I tell you, you are worth loving. You are a very beautiful girl and there are so many people in the world who loves you. I know I can't cheer you up as you are bleeding now. But we are here, your own family who loves you and cares for you. If you are in pain now, we are too. It bleed our hearts knowing you are crying for that lost love. But I tell you, it is taken from you because something or someone better is to come. It is not for you. That person is not for you. You may not see it clearly now as everything is so blurry for you at this time. And one thing, never deny yourself from all the pain you are feeling. It will hurt you more. What you're feeling now is normal, feel all the hurt and let it all out. Cry, don't be scared people will see you. Cry until you're tired of crying. That's the best pain reliever, dba? If you're not happy, show it. Don't pretend you are happy, it will be seen in your eyes. Be so expressive as to what you are feeling and never hide it, it will worsen if you would. Everybody has experienced this much more than you do. So show it, show it. It will make you feel better. And lastly, PRAY. Always remember that God heals all wounds, he knows what you are undergoing right now. Lift it all up. He is just waiting for you. Reach up and tell Him all your fears and anxieties, and He'll never let you down. So girl, once more, we are here for you and would never leave your side."

I wasn't able to finish reading the message as tears clouded my eyes. One by one, tears fell slowly at my cheeks. I am crying once again. tsk3 but Yes, She's right. To let it all out, and never hold back with all the emotions by myself. Perhaps that's why my fever is always coming back, and perhaps that's the reason why sleep doesn't visit me. I've been denying it all to myself. I might have convinced everyone I am happy and I'm alright. But I can never make myself believe that I am. Because I am not, I never was. Whenever I am all alone, everything that I'm keeping inside my heart haunts me, it goes out.. that terrible feeling of being unloved, the rejection, insecurities, betrayal, pain, loneliness, emptiness, the false hopes, the broken dreams, and that shattered heart I want to mend to make it whole again .. I am totally broken and lost. and worst!? Is that despite all of this trauma, I still miss him. I still think of him.. and I want to be with him, I do still love him when I shouldn't.. see? I'm such a folly! Oh! and it is making me crazy, it does. God! I wish I am, I wish I am crazy so I don't have to fool myself again with the expectation that he'll come back to me.. Because I know he won't. He is gone. I know he is. And that hurts the most. That painful realization that he is gone, so far away from me, forever. And that nothing will make him come back. And that, I must let go.

There is that battle within me right now, that battle of regaining one's stepped pride and self-respect against the "I am not good enough" attitude. Maybe to win myself again, I have to see all that's happening to me on the brighter side and to recognize all the feelings, be it good or bad, that I am going through this time. No more denials, no more pretensions. I am hurt, so bad. But I will face this, I will get through this. It may take time. Months or years perhaps. But I know, all this will pass through. Leaving me a strong and renewed one.

I will look forward to that day when I'll be able to look back at this moments not with tears falling but with a smile knowing that I'm grown up and I am whole again, with pride and self respect in tact.


^.^ angeL