Can we really mend our broken hearts?

I happen read a blog from someone so close to my heart. She entitled her piece, "How to mend a broken heart." The blog talked about coping up strategies and ways how to make us feel better in some ways or another and all about the do's and don't's that we have to encounter..

Now I just wonder more.. Can we really mend our broken hearts? When can we say our hearts are already okay? Like can we put back all the broken pieces and make it whole again? If so, will its scars ever fade?

It is just that I know, once it is broken and torn, like a very fragile glass, no matter how we try to put it back together, never will it be the same beautiful wine glass it was before. Like stain in our favorite shirts, or like a crack in a porcelain, or a stitch in our dress, or a crumpled paper.. It will never look like the way it used to be, why? Because a part of it is already lost, and forever it will be. We must face the truth that we'll never have it back. Someday, we may find someone or meet someone whom we'd say once more "complete" our lives, but I tell you, that will be a lot different than what we have now, than what we had before these stupid heart got torn. The feeling may be so intense or you'll feel more love towards the new one, but that love you have given to that person who left you for some other reasons now will never be erased from your system. I swear, that's so true. Why? It is because you wholeheartedly given a part of yourself, of your heart to that person. No one pushed you through it, you've given that piece to that person with all of you, freely and with open arms. And now, it belongs to that person anymore, it is not yours, no more.

So I guess, we can never mend our broken hearts or make ourselves whole again. With all our efforts to make ourselves numb with the pain it brings us every waking time of our lives, in time we just learn to get used to it that we aren't hurt anymore. And not just getting used to it. But learning to accept it all. And that's the hardest part that we have to go through.

It's all about ACCEPTANCE.

Accepting the bitter fact that that person you've cried for every night just doesn't meant for you.
Accepting the sad truth that that person is not happy with you nor you, with him.
Accepting the reality that you can never have him back, no matter what you do.
Accepting that person as he has hurt you, and you had hurt him as well.
Accepting all the memories, happy or sad, that had kept haunting you.
Accepting that as human as we are, we all went through this trial and triumph.


...and most of all,

Accepting yourself.
Forgiving yourself.
Respecting yourself.


Loving yourself, all of you.

And with that, we'll be able to take one step at a time and move on.

And then we can say, I am whole again.


>>angeL

December 18, 2008, The day I saw myself.

There is nothing unusual for this day. The same things happend. The same routines done. The same old story I have everyday for the last 3 weeks or so. Still, I wasn't able to sleep until around 3 in the morning. Oh! I guess my bio-clock just shifts sleeping time on it's own now! I couldn't have myself sleep earlier these days.. Just then, I heard the bells of Sto. Rosario Parish calling the believers to attend the Simbang Gabi Mass. I wanted to but I can't, and I won't. So iIasked GOD to forgive me for not attending mass this dawn. I know He understands why. It's that I can't go to mass crying, could I? No no no, for sure once my tears dried up, I'd sleep in the middle of the priest's homily! That would be worst. So I stayed in bed and listen to the church bells singing hymns for Christmas. What a relieving feeling it is! It warmed my heart, I don't know why. And tears stopped falling. And just then, I got my sleep.

I woke up at around 10 in the morning, feeling renewed. Said a prayer of thanksgiving and opened my Bible, for my daily Proverbs. Then I prepared myself for work, eat light and changed clothes. Suddenly, my phone beeped and I got a message from my cousin, telling me she just knew about my recent break-up with my boyfriend and asked me how I am feeling right now. It took me a long time before I respond to her message, I was out of words and I don't know what to tell her nor about how I feel as of the moment. If there's something I've been avoiding these days is to answer the most stupid question for me: "How do you feel now?" Isn't it obvious?! What should I say then, "Oh, I feel so much great now he is out of my life!" or "Hey, I don't mind it at all!" or "I've totally forgotten anything about him!" I just know I'd be lying to my self if I say so. So I replied simply, "Hi there! So you heard about it too.. Truth is, I'm trying to be ok now, but I just can't make myself feel better." After a few minutes, she sent me this what I call God's message for me for this day.

She said, "Girl, I know exactly how you are feeling now. I've been there too. And it is never easy. It may sound ridiculous now, but I tell you, you are worth loving. You are a very beautiful girl and there are so many people in the world who loves you. I know I can't cheer you up as you are bleeding now. But we are here, your own family who loves you and cares for you. If you are in pain now, we are too. It bleed our hearts knowing you are crying for that lost love. But I tell you, it is taken from you because something or someone better is to come. It is not for you. That person is not for you. You may not see it clearly now as everything is so blurry for you at this time. And one thing, never deny yourself from all the pain you are feeling. It will hurt you more. What you're feeling now is normal, feel all the hurt and let it all out. Cry, don't be scared people will see you. Cry until you're tired of crying. That's the best pain reliever, dba? If you're not happy, show it. Don't pretend you are happy, it will be seen in your eyes. Be so expressive as to what you are feeling and never hide it, it will worsen if you would. Everybody has experienced this much more than you do. So show it, show it. It will make you feel better. And lastly, PRAY. Always remember that God heals all wounds, he knows what you are undergoing right now. Lift it all up. He is just waiting for you. Reach up and tell Him all your fears and anxieties, and He'll never let you down. So girl, once more, we are here for you and would never leave your side."

I wasn't able to finish reading the message as tears clouded my eyes. One by one, tears fell slowly at my cheeks. I am crying once again. tsk3 but Yes, She's right. To let it all out, and never hold back with all the emotions by myself. Perhaps that's why my fever is always coming back, and perhaps that's the reason why sleep doesn't visit me. I've been denying it all to myself. I might have convinced everyone I am happy and I'm alright. But I can never make myself believe that I am. Because I am not, I never was. Whenever I am all alone, everything that I'm keeping inside my heart haunts me, it goes out.. that terrible feeling of being unloved, the rejection, insecurities, betrayal, pain, loneliness, emptiness, the false hopes, the broken dreams, and that shattered heart I want to mend to make it whole again .. I am totally broken and lost. and worst!? Is that despite all of this trauma, I still miss him. I still think of him.. and I want to be with him, I do still love him when I shouldn't.. see? I'm such a folly! Oh! and it is making me crazy, it does. God! I wish I am, I wish I am crazy so I don't have to fool myself again with the expectation that he'll come back to me.. Because I know he won't. He is gone. I know he is. And that hurts the most. That painful realization that he is gone, so far away from me, forever. And that nothing will make him come back. And that, I must let go.

There is that battle within me right now, that battle of regaining one's stepped pride and self-respect against the "I am not good enough" attitude. Maybe to win myself again, I have to see all that's happening to me on the brighter side and to recognize all the feelings, be it good or bad, that I am going through this time. No more denials, no more pretensions. I am hurt, so bad. But I will face this, I will get through this. It may take time. Months or years perhaps. But I know, all this will pass through. Leaving me a strong and renewed one.

I will look forward to that day when I'll be able to look back at this moments not with tears falling but with a smile knowing that I'm grown up and I am whole again, with pride and self respect in tact.


^.^ angeL

a morning message

after all the effort and all the thinking, at last at 4am, i got my so precious sleep..
thanks to my guardian angel for helping me sleep soundly..
I'm quite sure i hadn't had any dream, because i couldn't remember any if i did. LOL.

at around 10am this morning, i got a wake up call from my parents. my phone rung thrice and i lamely answered it.. i gave my phone to my bro so i could continue my sleep.. it was my mom, asking where i am.. and to end it all, i got hold of the phone, trying to open my lips to say:

"im here, mom.. can i go back to sleep now!? i barely had it these days.."
instead of doing so, she continued "how's my lady in there?"

"oh my, guess my beauty rest is over.." >that's on my thoughts..

"i'm doing just fine mom.. how about you?"
and so the talking continued and had talked with my dad about some matters.. it took for about an hour of chit chats before the call ended.

and eventually, i had forgotten that dearest sleep.

then suddenly, my phone beeped.
"oh, a txt message, who would it be?!"

amazingly, there were already 8 messages waiting for me..
about 4 "good morning messages.." 2 replies from yesterday's topics, a "how are you today" message and a quote that struck me at this early.. ~oops, it's almost lunch time!

the message goes:

"There is no way we can stop ourselves from falling in love. But we can always set limitations up to what extent we could give. Loving is not about giving our all but it's merely sharing "SOME" of what we have. We should not depend our whole self to someone because in the end, when everything is over, we only have "OURSELVES" to suffer the loss with.

It is never a sin to love.

The only crazy thing about it is that we seem to forget ourselves when we thought we found someone who can make us

Complete."


..everything that i am going through at this very moment is all summed up to that.

sleep doesn't visit me again

it's 3.11am already and I'm still so wide awake.. yes, I'm so tired from today's activities, body's aching already and mind needs to rest too.. but lo' here i am.. in front of my laptop, once again and pressing the keys.. and trying hard to tire my eyes.. had read a book and finished it.. had watched Prison Break Season 4 and is done with it..

but see oh see!?
i can still do cha cha at all.. so live and kicking..
as if I've been sleeping the whole day..

lately these past weeks, sleep's been avoiding me.. there was even a time I'd close my eyes, shut if off and pretend to be sleepy.. had turned around in every corner of the bed, had hugged every pillow at sight and every teddy bear on each side.. but these eyes are just as stubborn as its owner.. I've done the "count-one-to-forty-to-be-sleepy" thang but yo' my eyes and my mind just keep on wondering and playing thoughts and images.. no use at all.

that's why at this godly hour, instead of pushing these lil eyes to close and end the day, i'm pondering on these kept thoughts and suppressed feelings that i've been avoiding to myself.. some things that i know will haunt my nights and days.. and even my dreams.

the main reason why my eyes refuses to rest is that every time i close it, there's that lil gurl whose smiles are wide though she's been stabbed at the back.. that lil gurl who walks on her feet but doesn't feel the ground.. that lil gurl who holds back every tear to fall, afraid some one might see her cry.. that lil gurl who is pretending to be strong, but is so weak indeed.

it still sees that same girl whose crying behind the curtains - with a shattered and broken heart.

..that lil gurl who lives her day hoping she's dead.

..that lil gurl,

..that lil gurl, is me.

blogs.. blogs.. blos.. >a new account created.

blogs.. blogs.. blogs..

i really don't know why i'm here right now,

writing somethings when i should be working and processing my bulk orders..

but i can't seem to do anything right.. i can't make good at my work now..

so i stopped and opened a new blogger account.

hoping it will help and make me feel good after.

yet again, i can't even think of anything to write or anything to say at all..

all i know is i'm here, infront of this computer..

nothing's on my mind but blank statements, unfinished sentences and broken phrases..

everything's turning upside down and i can't seem to comprehend every detail..

everything's goings so fast i couldn't reach out..

i couldn't even think of a single word to start with..

and i couldn't find anything on my heart but emptiness..

and a hole so deep i couldn't seem to fix..

with tears of blood on every veins..

there's no beat heard, or has it stopped beating?!

or perhaps i just don't have my heart at all..

oh how i wish i don't..

oh how i wish i don't..

so there will be no broken pieces that i had to pick up..

so that scars will be erased..

no haunts of broken dreams..

memories would be kept hidden and better best forgotten..

and all there is, is NUMBNESS.

no more tears, no more pain.