getting used to getting lost

I don't know how to start this blog. I'm not in the mood of writing one but I just badly need someone to listen to me talk and pour this out.. someone, it should be. but no one was there, not anymore. that's why i'm so grateful to that person who first thought of making and inventing a blog. >w*nx<

This day is one of those disheveled episodes I always got myself into. As we usually hear it, woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But lately, I wonder? Where is the Right side of my bed? Why is it that I always wake up weary and torn? Why is it that I always start my day crying from a bad dream? It's been months now, and is this the right side of my bed? Am I meant to cry every time I wake up? Perhaps, when time comes and I wake up jovial, it would then scare me..

I got up early to at least, change my mood to a brighter one. I used to do that before, when I was young and at those times, I control my emotions fully. I was able to manipulate how I'd feel and how I'd respond to circumstances. I know how to keep myself from showing what is really inside. I know exactly how to shift moods to make me feel better. I was an expert. No one can affect me. But where is the power now? Where was that manipulative jLyn to herself? I can't even stop myself from getting upset at such petty comments and lil things. I get so irate and I am easily disappointed at everything.. especially myself. I can't even control my tears from dropping now. Because every time I do, my throat seems to shrink and I can't breathe. And once it starts to fall, those tears just won't stop until my eyes sore and until there is nothing more to shed.

My day end up with a mess. I got problems with my work load, my efficiency was rather questioned and i got hold of the scolds and the stares of those that in one way or the other, bitter too with themselves. (wwooaah??!!!) I have been through worst scenarios than this before. And I've made it through with chin up high. But now it was far too different. Far too depressing and frustrating. It's like a first time to me. Now it seems that I could never make it happen. I feel so helpless and I don't want to end up hating myself for being so useless and so lame. I feel so lost in a world I'm used on living.

It was time for me to go home and so I waited for my taxi to come. So many thought come running my mind, so many "what-ifs" and "could have beens". As I get out of the building, a tear fell down as I told myself, "jLyn, it's gonna be a better day tomorrow." I tried to cheer my self up, convincing that I can still make it better tomorrow. But every time I do, I feel more lost and I seem not to know myself anymore. Because the more I try to push that conviction that "I AM OK, I AM FINE.. I AM HAPPY," I know deep down it's a lie I could never make myself believe.

And I wonder why, I wonder why I seem not to know myself anymore and why I can't even make something good or something worth appreciating. Perhaps it was because BEFORE,
Every time I get depressed with work, I know that after I got out of the office door, there is someone waiting for me to cheer me up and make me feel better.
Every time I feel bad with myself, I know that there is that someone who believes in me more that I have faith in myself.
Every time I cry, that someone not just wipe away my tears, but also cries with me, and that there is that someone who backs me up whenever I make a stand for myself.
And every time I got sour with life, there is that someone who makes everything sweet and lovely.

But that someone isn't here anymore..
He is gone now.
And no one is there to comfort me but myself.
No one to run to when I'm miserable but myself. Alone.

Maybe that's where I did it wrong, I rely myself so much believing that there is someone who's always there for me. Not thinking right that in this world of passersby, each of us are just passing by.

Maybe it's true, I'm so lost now.
So lost in the world I got to use and live.
But I believe I'll get used to getting lost and I know somewhere along the way of finding my right path, I'd be able to collect those broken pieces to make me whole once again..